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Zechs' Top 10 Worst Movies of 2017

Written by Zechs on Monday, January 01 2018 and posted in Features

Zechs' Top 10 Worst Movies of 2017

Misery misery misery. That's what I've chosen.



Normally, this is where one would do a Top 10 of the best films one see's in a year. But normal isn't the best way to describe what I do? I see the pain that you cannot bare.  So here are the WORST movies I saw this year. Movies that leave a bad taste in my warped fractured head. 

Now I shall provide links to all my reviews of some of these movies, but there are a few I didn't review. In fact, I could have at the time when the movies actually came out. If you have donated to the Patreon and click the "Punish Zechs" tier. You could have any movie reviewed by me. ... Why the hell do we have this tier again?! 

Anyway, here are the movies that still stain my mind and barely make me sleep at night. 

10.) Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Let's start things with the most recent movie to basically disappoint me. Now some say Luke or Leia's developments in this movie. Me? It starts with the villains. Other than Kylo Ren or General Hux there just isn't a damn memorable one amongst them. Even the vaunted Elite Praetorian Guard barely register with me. What most is a sin is the misue of Phasma, who's vaunted to be the next Darth Maul or Boba Fett, and she doesn't even hit that. Which is a huge waste of Gwendoline Christie. 

Then there's the Return of the King syndrome it has. The movie just doesn't know where to end. There are three points this movie can end, but it doesn't. It just keeps going. After the first point, the movie could have ended just fine and maybe I would think more highly of it. But not, it just kept going and going. It felt like me during "happy hour". Neither me nor the movie knew when to quit when they were ahead.

9.) The Mummy

So bad, I chose to review the right one above (others weren't so lucky and Scary Cleve STILL hasn't been seen since reviewing the movie). I mean seriously what the fuck possessed Universal to remake a movie that was remade in 1999 and done so much better. It amazes me even with the dated CGI, the heart was just so in the right place. 

This film? Just knowing that after seeing another blight on film. A friend casually went into the room that was playing this film out of morbid curiosity. The fact that he told me that this movie was literally ripping off the same shenanigans the '99 movie did. Yeah.... I'm almost glad the "Dark Universe" is dead. But if it truly is like a Universal Monster, then it shall return in another form, another day. 

God help us all.

 

8.) Batman & Harley Quinn

 

The mediocrity of the DCAU continues. Now to be fair, I did give this film a 3 out of 5. The parts I did enjoy I still enjoy (along with the performances). But the more I thought about it. The more I just thought (I know. What I still have functioning brain cells?!), "This movie was literally just gunning for my BTAS nostalgia, but trying to do something new to boot." And that is where it began to fester in me just how badly the current crop of DCAU is in.

There was a time I used to look forward to these movies. Hell, Teen Titans: Judas Contract wasn't bad. It just was better than this film, but it was just meh. The fact that I totally forgot the other DCAU film just shows how sorry the state of these films are in. Maybe next year will be better. Then again, I seem to be saying that every year with the DCAU films and be disappointed. ... Wait? Adaptation of Death/Return of Superman? That means an actual animated Cyborg Superman. HOPE RESTORED!!  

It isn't. But I know a bribery when I see it. Try Cassandra Cain or Kyle Rayner and then see me whistle a different tune.

7.) Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

refc

 

Now, this is a film I didn't review for this site. In fact, I saw it back in September as a rental pondering if I should put it in my "13 Slays of Halloween" or not. But even renting the film I do so regret it.

This franchise. Fucking hell. I never thought I'd see a franchise scared of its actual source material than this one. I will say this. Ian Glen did muster a tiny bit of care (and I'm still WTFing how suddenly he's the end boss after three films of Wesker being the end boss), and even if the damn movie SEQUEL BAITED at the end. I'm just glad this franchise is finally dead.

.....

 

I still have a confession. I still enjoyed Resident Evil: Afterlife. I don't know why, but I was fucking entertained entirely by it. This? Fucking hell. Six films and leads us to utter shit resolution. 

 

6.) Alien Covenant

aliencove

You know? I'm beginning to wonder if Blade Runner 2049 was a fluke. We had so much shitty disappointing science fiction this year, it really makes me wonder what the fuck happened to all the dreamers who made good science fiction films and the instead we got utterly crappy ones.

Take this one for example. This one felt like a, "FUCK YOU!" from this film's director Ridley Scott. Take all the problems from the previous film, Prometheus and let's make all the humans even more stupid. Like late 80s slasher movie stupid. 

I just never thought ten years ago if you told me that I'd love Alien vs. Predator (2004) more than the last two Alien movies that had a returning Ridley Scott plus a good cast in both. I'd say you be fucking lying. Yet, here we are and somehow I enjoy Alien vs. Predator then these two fucking films. 

 

5.) Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets 

Oh, hey another movie I reviewed with a 3 out of 5. But the rating is so damn deceiving since I gave it only one positive point for that opening sequence along with a few other elements I enjoyed. Then it all went downhill from there with the two leads in this film. I honestly think if this movie was made in the 90s, Keanu Reeves would have knocked this movie out of the park, not Dane DeHaan doing his best Keanu impersonation.  But when Rihanna is the highlight for her brief time in the film. Yeah.... The casting director needs to be blacklisted from ever doing said job again. That and Sam Spruell's General Okto Bari would have ended the movie much quicker if he was allowed to do his job.

 

 

4.) Death Note

You know a movie is truly awful when you've repressed it from your mind. This is what happened to me when I posted my original list on Facebook. I had all but forgotten this movie until I saw the review for it on this very front page. 

Then the memories began to return. Then the pain. I could have easily put Ghost in the Shell on this list (I almost did). But you know why I didn't? Because if I had a choice between this film and that. This film beats that in spades just for the fact it fucked over its source material more so than the other. Just so we can get teen angst drama because that's what Death Note is all about right? Fucking fuck this film. Fuck it!!!  

 

3.) The Emoji Movie

See this is what happens when you let Patreon dictate what you review. You want me in pain? You want me in misery. This film was misery! This film was PAIN! This film was SUFFERING. 

But I'll be goddamed I saw two films worse than this. Somehow when I really thought about my experiences. This film was nothing compared to two others I had the unfortunate "honor" of seeing this year.

 

2.) King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

 

I honestly can't top what I said in the review to this film. *ahem* 

King Arthur: The Legend Begins is a wondrously awful movie. It's like Warner Bros. saw what Fox was trying with Fan4stic and Sony with Amazing Spider-Man 2 and was like, "Hold my beers."

 

 

Literally, this film was an abomination and just astonishing they actually thought this was going to be a film franchise. I will say this. I chuckle madly at Jude Law's performance when his character murders someone close to him. 

What? I freely admit I'm one fucked up invdidual. 

 

1.) Transformers: The Last Knight

Like this is any real surprise? Really? I mean the video review best sums up my thoughts on this movie to this day. I still am processing the fuck I saw those months ago and the idiots who approved all the shit. 

Just when I thought Transformers: Dark of the Moon or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen(Transformers: Age of Extinction somehow is very watchable because Kelsey Grammar somehow makes the movie entertaining along with a decent villain in Lockdown) were the worst sequels of the franchise. ENTER THIS ONE. This one that takes such a heaping dump on the franchise. A true killer. 

So there's my list. Surprised? Not? WHERE YOU EXPECTING ANOTHER GODDAMN MOVIE FROM OCTOBER OF THIS YEAR IN THIS LIST? WELL FUCK YOU! I'M NEVER SEEING IT! .... Unless you pay the Patreon tier. That is the only way you can truly punish me. 

But I know you won't. None of you got the stones to do it. To make me see that film by putting your money where your mouth is. All talk. No action. Me? I saw ten actually bad films this year. I did see ten good films too. But let's face it. You love me in pain. It's true. Any bad review I make gets more hits. You love my misery. 

So in 2018 what misery can you send me too? 

....

 

That isn't the fucking movie from this year. That was 2017. This is 2018. New year. New movies. Unless you truly pay for it. I ain't seeing it. .... Yes, this is me calling you out. You want me in pain. Then there's only one way to do it. DONATE! Click for that Punish me Tier. 





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About the Author - Zechs


Zechs is the lord and master of The Toy Shed, Moment of the Week, and Durnkin Reveewz. He's also the official whuppin boy at the Outhouse. So he'll get stuck seeing stuff that no mere mortal should ever see. If there's any greater quality to Zechs, it's that he's an avid fan of comic book characters and would defend them to the bitter end against the companies that use them wrongly. He's also brutally honest. Zechs walks the lonely path in Chicagoland area.

 


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